jprussell | (Reply)

From:

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it!

1. On what to do about being "bottled up": well, without drawing further runes (which I can look to as a follow up, if you like), what comes to mind is taking some definitive action, preferably with a tangible outcome, that is for you. It sounds like right now you are alternating between being busy with crap you don't care about or "doing nothing" and feeling depressed. For example, maybe carve out half an hour, or even just 10 minutes, daily to enjoy some art, or work on a personal project. If you're not already, maybe you could pursue your daily magical work as part of a larger program - for example, instead of "just" doing the LBRP+MP, Meditation, and Divination daily, maybe follow the course of instruction in CGD. I have found that even when I'm struggling with motivation or feeling like I'm accomplishing anything, it helps that my daily habit I've stuck pretty doggedly to is toward a worthwhile goal (finishing DMH and the Dolmen Arch).

Oh, and the other super common piece of advice here, one that I've found pretty helpful as well, is don't focus on making yourself happy/feeling meaning - focus on helping someone else/others in a way consistent with your values. Not "be a doormat" or "only care about others," but rather, maybe look for some ways you can use your skills, expertise, or even just resources to help others get more of what you think they ought to have. Teach, volunteer, donate, invite friends to do something you'd both enjoy, surprise someone with a gift, whatever it might be.

2. On "moving in a way that doesn't actually accomplish what you're after": Yes, exactly. Have you ever put off tackling a real problem at work by answering emails, or organizing your files, or updating some software? That's the kind of "movement, but not toward your ends" that I mean. Of course, in a wider sense, if you are in a job that you feel is meaningless, or that doesn't align with your higher goals, you might feel that way even about the "real" work of the job.

3. On going back to Mexico: Fair enough! There's a lot of scary stuff in life in general, and especially right now. I think here, Gebo coming up twice might also be speaking to the mystery and fear of sacrifice - you give up or share something now, with no guarantee you'll get something back for it, but with the faith that it's worth the effort. Whatever is scary in your situation, I think you have something valuable to share.